Octeaber: Chi Almond Cake Tea & the inappropriate pet name

Welcome to the first of my Octeaber challenge tea reviews, where I have the rather envious (or completely bonkers) task of providing a disarmingly witty tea review every day, in an attempt to get you lovely, gorgeous and intelligent T’witchers to part with your well earned cash to support the South Yorkshire Eating Disorders Association. If you are feeling particularly caring after a few too many ‘adult’ brews on this Friday evening, then you can – if y’know, you fancy it – donate here. Did I mention how sexy you are looking today, you fine hot-tea piece of ass ;)? Oh, and did I also mention how donating actually reduces wrinkles by 20%, increases sexual virility by 123% AND makes your bum look like Beyonce (boys, I’m looking at you), in those leather trousers you bought last week? Just saying’…(*cough* DONATE *cough*). Any road up…on with the review!

The Tale

All tea comes with a good story. Are you sitting comfortably? Then we may begin…

So, you have been going out with person X a few months now. They are your world. You wake up thinking of them. You go to sleep thinking of them. You even think of them when you are paying your gas bill and doing a poo (simultaneously I might add; that multitasking skill should be on your CV). Yep, this is serious shit, you are in deep. On one, long winter night, you decide to keep warm caveman style – and no, I don’t mean beating your other half, murdering a deer and scratching your arse with a tree branch next to a handmade fire. You decide to go all out, and REALLY show how much you just adore each other to little mint balls, from the ends of your sickeningly love drunk toes to your irritatingly coiffed, hipster and amour-intoxicated hair.

Things are getting steamy…chocolate, strawberries and maybe even something called a ‘black mamba’ is involved (whatever that may be). Your other half lustily whispers in your ear; ‘call me something dirty’. You rack your passion befuddled brains for something original, sexy and utterly wicked to show them how much of a stud you are. Oh yes, you are going to blow their mind with your eruditeness in the bedroom fantasy department. BOOM – inspiration strikes. You have it…an excellent between-the-sheets nickname that will truly drive them wild.

You: ‘Oooooh you fit, beautiful, naughty little…’ Your mind goes blank. ‘Eeeerrrrrr…’

Your brain: Oh come on, you had this only a second ago you buffoon.

You: ‘Eeeerrrr…’

Brain: SERIOUSSSLYY?! THINK PAUL HOLLYWOOD, WHAT WOULD PAUL HOLLYWOOD – THE BLUE EYED SEX GOD – SAY?!

You: ‘Ummmm…’

Brain: This is getting weird, do you think you are Ross from Friends? ANY WORDS WILL DO. LITERALLY ANY WORDS!

You: ‘…ummm…almond cake…!?’

Brain: That is not what I meant when I said Paul Hollywood, numbnuts. You are on your own. You are dead to me. Have a great, sexless life.

Awkward.* What has this got to do with Chi’s Almond Cake Tea? I’m coming to that.

*Disclaimer: this is not based on a true story. AT ALL. Definitely not.

Great accompaniment to dangerous marriage proposal...OR with your Nan and novelty slippers (hedgehog ones to satisfy your curiosi-tea)
Almond Cake – a great accompaniment to a dangerous liaison

Through some miracle, your partner stays with you, even after that royal f**k up. You must have an incredibly big…bank balance. But three years later, you see Chi’s Almond Cake tea in their shop in Brighton on your anniversary. It’s a sign. So, you present this tea to your beau that evening with a very special surprise. They sup on their brew and think it is delicious explosion of wonderful winter warming flavours. But what’s this?! Oh god you are cute – it’s an engagement ring! They say yes to your foppish marriage offer – you Hugh Grant, you -, and your sexual faux pas so many years ago is your saving grace rather than the worst social mistake you and your brain have ever endured. Awwwww. Sweet.

Yeah, so, this tea would make a nice accompaniment to a marriage proposal. OR – more realistically – after a bracing winter walk to warm your cockles. OR – even more accurately – to a mid afternoon Sunday treat, after a massive roast, wearing loungewear, catching up on Great British Bake Off with your Nan. What WOULD Paul Hollywood say…

THE TEA

Right where were we…ahh yes, the tea! Chi’s Almond Cake infusion was such a cu-tea…it melted my stone cold, exhausted and probably caffeine screwed heart tonight. As soon as I opened the not at all dubious tiny bag of loose leaf, the comforting aroma of apple and cinnamon instantly calmed my desire to shout at pigeons, angrily eat chocolate at break neck speed and disagree with anyone’s principles on…well anything simply because I have had a crappy day. I am a dream to live with.

In all seriousness though, Chi’s blend was a scrummy, caffeine free comforter on cold, autumnal day. I brewed the tea of real apple, almond, cinnamon and beetroot pieces for the recommended 10ish minutes, whilst I attempted to calm my work weary wankerness, hastily don pjs and forget that the last 5 days had ever happened. I also looked up Chi on the tineterweb – I recommend their loose leaf tea guides if you are STILL not convinced by my gentle, subtle suggestions that it will CHANGE YOUR LIFE. And Mom – don’t pretend you don’t read this – their tea boxes of six different teas from their signature collection would make excellent gifts for hugely inspiring, perfect and selfless daughters…if you know one, of course. (Even given you the link Mom…honestly, I could NOT make this any easier for you, you technophobe. PS love you).

THE TASTE

After thoroughly aggravating my little tea tit Steph with a big, oxygenating slurp of Chi’s almondy

The 90s rave taste explosion...where are my glow sticks?!
The 90s rave taste explosion…where are my glow sticks?!

goodness, there was a musical taste explosion in my potty mouth that was tantamount to attending an intense 90s all night rave. In a good way. I was hit first by trance top line beats of the apple fruitiness and melodic synth of cinnamon woodiness, which was then followed up by the catchy, earthy bass of the beetroot, ending in the hypnotic drum beat of the deeply nutty and warming almonds. Rather than donning my smiley face t-shirt, floppy hat and grabbing the nearest pound shop glow sticks, I had another sip.

This brew got better with age. Midway through my tea experience, the taste got more refined and  bolder – a bit like someone had turned up the amp to 11. My advice if you try this tea would be to brew it for as long as humanly possible, as I think this full bodied feel would be present throughout if left to steep towards the 12 minute end of Chi’s 10-12 minute recommendation. Also best without sugar or milk; like me, it is sweet and creamy enough on it’s own. But hey, who said I knew anything about tea?! You assume too much…;)

T’VERDICT

This was a bostin’ brew. It was – for want of a more articulate word – lovely. Similar to that person at school who was quiet, inoffensive but that everyone liked, and if you actually took the time to get to know them, you would realise they have a rich and interesting personality (or are actually a closet serial killer like Dexter). It is a perfect winter warmer in the evening, and I recommend that you check Chi’s little cu-teas out. Or, at the very least, try the name out next time you are in the throes of passion…

REMEMBER WHY WE ARE DOING THIS…

Continue to show your support by donating online at the JustGiving page, attending some of Mugen Tea House and I’s fundraising tea tasting evenings, and get involved in the Twitter hype!

Don’t forget to check back tomorrow for the next instalment of my daily blog Octeaber challenge!

Do your bit mugga cuppas-put the ‘tea’ in chari-tea!

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