It’s a Saturday, it’s pissing it down and you have to go to work. YAY LIFE! You are already an unhappy camper as you made the mistake of trying your new AeroPress that morning, completely ballsed up the pump action and ended up ruining your crisp white work shirt with coffee entrails. You look like you decided to take a shower in the overspray of a manure laying combine harvester, or were preparing for your latest role as an extra in a sex scene for Lady GaGa’s avant garde new video entitled ‘La Merde’. You knew you shouldn’t have danced with the Coffee Bean Lucifer and stuck with the Angel Ga-brew-elle.
To make matters worse, you are having to work with hungover students all day, who will make you feel incredibly old with all of their young people references (what do ‘flame’ and ‘on fleek’ even MEAN?!), irritatingly fresh skin despite receiving Vodbulls intravenously all night and braving a one star hygiene rating chicken establishment at 4am, AND have the vitality of youth to make an oversized grandad jumper from Oxfam that you wouldn’t even clean your toilet with, look good. Not only that, all 40 of them have the combined common sense of a retarded wet lettuce with Alzheimer’s and you have to teach them about initiative, communication skills and how to generally operate as adult human beings in situations where Wikipedia, iPhone apps and their fiercely protective middle class mother battle axes cannot save them. Again, YAY LIFE!
You drag your carcass through this tea-pocalyptic landscape of your Saturday at work. You do not sup on your favourite caffeinated poison of choice ALL DAY. The surrounding decent brew establishments are either closed, do not accept your corporate credit card or are simply so full of students who are that furiously posh that their words just blend into the noise ‘ahhhyaaarrr yarr yaaarr rahhhh’, that you could not be trusted to resist murdering one of them with a blunt teaspoon, a makeshift napkin noose and hundreds of packets of ‘Sweet n Low’.
You successfully manage to navigate your day without keeling over with caffeine withdrawal, committing grievous bodily harm with beverage related accoutrements or shotting JD and Coke to the eye to be both ‘down with da kidz’ and to calm your nerves. You flop down onto your sofa at home, still in your well concealed coffee soiled shirt and think: ‘I deserve a bloody medal, perhaps some therapy and Kalms…or at least a tiny celebration.’ You are too old now to contemplate celebrating by knocking back 18 Kraken rums from a teapot in Rev de Cuba, pulling the beards of self absorbed hipsters Instagramming the shit out of their overpriced cocktails in The Great Gatsby, and dancing your tea-ties off in the most fashionable of discotheques on West Street…Reflex. (Hope you locals like the ‘Sheff-bantz’ there. Everyone else, just substitute the names of the locales with well known haunts from the book of ‘Shite English Towns’).
No, you are way too past it now to consider that. PJs, novelty slippers and a bostin’ brew sound like a better way to celebrate the end of your day…and rapid advance towards middle age, incontinence and turning into your cantankerous mother (hi mom!). No, you need a special-tea, a posh celebra-tea-ry cuppa, a mug of ‘well done brew’. You need a Jadu Tea.
Indeed, this was my Saturday afternoon dilemma, and reason for my short, snappy and sense of humour bypass blog post on that fateful day. However, the lovely koalas at Jadu Tea had sent me a metric shit ton of goodies as a survival package the day before – it was like they had read it in their loose leaves, the saucer-ers – so I dived in to the box with as much enthusiasm as if it was Christina Hendricks’ well steeped and moistened lady leaf infuser. I dug out what Jadu termed as their ‘celebratory’ tea for special occasions – their White Mango Lime tea. The reason it is considered a ‘for best’ tea – i.e a brew you get out to impress your status symbol obsessed old uni friends ,who you are only friends with because you were thrown together in the concentration camp otherwise known as a halls of residence and that shit stays with you – is because white tea leaves are the least oxidised of all tea types.
Therefore, it is considered to conserve the most natural parts of the Camillia Sinensis (the correct term for the tea plant, not your great aunt twice removed who has a hairy chin and smells of cat piss), all the antioxidants to make you look like a newborn baby fresh out the womb and is rarer, making it more expensive and so ‘totes posh’. Perfect for a mini celebration. And this was a celebration. I had got through the day without any caffeinated liquid, not lost my job for punching a mentally sub-normal cabbage known as a student in their annoyingly picture perfect complexions, OR been locked up for manslaughter of toffs in oversized woollen knits from Jack Wills using the wrong end of a rusty tea spoon. Definition of success in my book.
Jadu have taken this already ‘totes posh’ tea and made it even more ‘utter rah’ by adding in pineapple and papaya pieces, corinths (your guess is as good as mine), lime leaves, sunflowers and a dash of sugar, just for shi-ggles. I know – I thought it sounded as odd as a Tea Witch blog without an innuendo too (can you imagine?! *read in a Maggie Smith Downton Abbey voice*). But as my day couldn’t get any worse, if it did taste like the sweat from Rebel Wilson’s inner thighs, I could probably get over it…
I sliced open the decadent sampler packaging to get a good sniff of all this leafy aristocracy. It smelled like a Drumstick lollipop and a bag of Fruit Salad chews had met at a Comic-Con convention, fell madly in love when they both reached for the same novelty tea pot in the shape of Khal Drogo’s weighty appendage from GOT, and then consummated their newfound flame by sharing every single bodily fluid during a 12 hour marathon of Star Wars. Yes, fruity as f**k. In a good way.
This fruity assault on the senses didn’t stop after I had steeped this saucy minx for three minutes or so (a little shorter than normal otherwise the white tea would be over brewed and bitter). My first sip hit me with the refreshing citrus of pineapple and lime, followed up by the zingy and revitalising freshness of the papaya. This 90s house mash up of aromas and spices concluded with the warming peachy-like sweetness of the white tea itself. Phew…I needed to lie in a darkened room after the all nighter flavour explosion that was tantamount to the intensity of the opening night of Tiesto at Amnesia in Ibiza. Initially, I wasn’t sure whether I liked this tea, as there was just so much going on – imagine a brew with ADHD, bi-polar AND schizophrenia at the same time. However, once it had cooled down a bit, the aromas mellowed into a rejuvenating, energising and delicate tea. Ideal for waking up one’s ‘I AM LIKELY TO KILL ALL UNDERGRADUATES WITH STUBBY SPOON HANDLES!’ brain from it’s murderous malaise.
I really, really, REALLY wanted to love this tea, as Jadu have been so adorably generous that it would be rude not to. But, whilst a part of me liked the refreshing taste of White Mango Lime, the combination of very bold flavours tasted like Kim Kardashian and Caitlin Jenner fighting over the last special edition Louis Vuitton bodycon dress in Harvey Nicks: overpowering, loud and more than a little bit confusing. Yet, I think Jadu are onto something with their rejuvenating citrus combination; as a summer iced tea or perhaps even in a tea cocktail, this zingy infusion would work well. Plus, I have a gazillion other Jadu teas that I cannot wait to explore.
I recommend that you give this brew a chai for yourself if you need a peppy drink to perk you up on a slow afternoon. I think I catastrophically mistimed my White Mango Lime date to be honest; after all, a drizzly South Yorkshire winter afternoon wearing a giraffe onesie was probably not the right setting compared to a skimpy bikini on a ‘hotter than Christina Hendricks’ baps in a corset’ day in the Copa Cabana.
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