To commemorate National Coming Out Day today, I took some time to reflect on all of the wild and wonderful tea moments that have helped me in the rich tapestry that is my journey to super-femme-tea-drinking-action-hero lesbian that I am today. Or at least what I am in my mind anyway…in reality I am probably your pretty-average-looking-stereotypical-Superdry-plaid-shirt-loving left luggage handler. Any road up, the humble brew has been my trusted confidante, ‘screw you bitch’ breakup elixir and debonair seductress (cheaper than Rohypnol you see) over the last 8 years of my gay existence. In true Top of the Pops chart run down style, here are the top 5 sexuali-tea moments of the lesbian soap storyline that is my life so far.
A surprise entry at five: the Mug of Revelation. I met my very first actual human kipper licker in Freshers’ week at University (Hi Kay! It’s all your fault). I was already playing the ‘oh, I am fashionably bi’ card to cover up my undeniable love of everything relating to boobs, boobs and…well, BIG boobs. This tea was the weak, way too sugary and complete abomination that was a Tesco Value tea bag in a plastic mug, that accompanied my first viewing of Tipping the Velvet and the realisation that I probably couldn’t hide from my desire to stare at, lick and rub up against anything with long hair and a pulse (excluding Jon Bon Jovi or any male 80s rockers for that matter). It was also the day that I decided to take up researching, day dreaming and fantasising about Keeley Hawes (Kitty in TTV) as a full time occupation, until she came to her senses and realised that I was her soulmate after all. Still waiting…
Up by two places at four: the Coming Out Cuppa. Now this was a memorable one. After avoiding sleeping with the man – I use this term loosely, let’s actually say ‘lanky stick of a pubescent boy with the emotional intelligence of an antelope’ – I was seeing for a month or so by claiming that my desire for marmite on toast was so great that he simply couldn’t insert his throbbing infuser into my bone dry teapot at that precise moment (true story), I thought this gay thing needed to be dealt with. So what did I do?! Get a girlfriend the very next day – nothing like the threat of penis to make you proactive. No amount of marmite on toast would interrupt those romantic evenings with Oppenheim’s cup and saucer (a decent brew though…that would be a close call). So this cuppa is the super sized chai latte I bought from a highly unethical coffee chain which we shall call ‘Charbucks’ – y’know, hypothetically – to steady my nerves before telling Mamma and Papa Tea Witch that I was the worst daughter ever, probably never going to provide them grandchildren and worst of all, had paid over a fiver for a substandard brew. I needn’t have worried…they were totally fine about my visit to Charbucks. It was only a phase after all.
New this week at three: the Break up Brew. You know the drill. You fall in love, plan the names of your children and where you would own your first tea plantation together. Then their Daddy issues lead them to realise they are actually not gay at all, they break your heart and you rediscover all the emo/nu-metal punk you used to get through your sexually confused, overweight obsession with Greggs’ sausage rolls and bad hair days of your youth. Yep, happens to the best of us. This cuppa char is the massive vat of strong, ‘pull yourself together you self pi-tea-ing twat’ Yorkshire breakfast tea that my mom made for me as I cried hopelessly into her arms on the kitchen floor after a massive break-up bender, snotting sugary liquor all over her shirt and professing never to love again as all women are beautifully titted but fickle bas-tea-rds. Thanks mom – you made a bostin’ brew and taught me that some girls are just plain MEAN but you can always spite them by resembling your favourite tea: strong, bitter and oh so much hotter than everything else.
An old favourite at two: the ‘You’re Just My Cup of Tea’ tea. So you have done the big breakup. You have done the playing the field to get them out of your system and embarrassed yourself on countless dates with tea related pick up lines; who wouldn’t fall for, ‘You are like this year’s Darjeeling – you had me at first flush’?! (Every woman EVER apparently). But then you meet the one. Firstly, they are actually normal with a whole head of hair and teeth and everything. Secondly, they are more than normal. They are FIT. Even your straight male friends would have a pop. Thirdly, they laugh uncontrollably at your worst brew-romance chat up line; ‘I’m terribly sorry, but my Chai gave me an awful tongue burn AND I dropped it on the crotch of my trousers–think you need to give me mouth-to-mouth?’ So, this tea surprisingly ISN’T the tea that I shared in a prison cell after being done for sexual harassment, it is actually the beau-tea-ful Earl Grey that I shared with Miss Typhoo Tosser herself at Birmingham Pride three and a half years ago, when I realised that despite her unhealthy tea habits, I had fallen in love with her. Awwwwwww…*looks around frantically for a sick bucket*
A non-mover at one: The Cup of Commitment. You have found the one. You are no longer afraid to call them a complete see you next Tuesday when they knock your premium loose leaf tea collection all over the kitchen floor. And you now see sharing details of your daily bowel movements as a crucial part of keeping the foundations of your relationship strong. This ‘Cup of Commitment’ is the hearty, comforting and daily workhorse tea that you share together every morning (currently Birdhouse Full Monty and We Are Tea English Breakfast Tea), that says we love each other, we are proud to love each other and…we are probably a little bit pretentious too.
TEA IS BLOODY MARVELLOUS, TASTES LIKE SEX AND MAKES EVERYONE GAY! Or something…