Octeaber: Tg Jujube & Osmanthus Green Tea & the sweaty drag queen debacle 

The Tale

You are a smug mug this morning. You have got up early, despite almost self sabotaging your wake up time by binge watching episodes of Mad Men until the wee hours, in a desperate attempt to imprint every curve, contour and side-boob shot of Christina Hendricks onto your mind in preparation for some pretty raunchy slumber fantasies. And I’m not talking about getting married in the south of France…although maybe the operative ‘never leaving hotel room’ honeymoon parts afterwards. Anyway, you are up before the postman, and that’s what counts. You have made a healthy breakfast smoothie including matcha tea (thanks Teaologists – review soon), fruit and the self-righteous tears of fitness bloggers who would definitely tag your wanky Instagram shot with ‘#fitfam’ and include it in their narcissistic monthly favourites video.

Spurred on by your perfect start to the day, you hit the gym. You aren’t even aggravated by the peacock strutting ‘roid ragers taking up the weight room, who somehow manage to have biceps bigger than Kim Kardashian’s thighs yet spend 99.9% of their session: flexing in the mirror in their poor excuse for a vest – it’s basically a size 6 thong around their nips – to check they have ‘made dem gains’; gymtimidating anyone who dare use their precious 10kg weights that they have named ‘pain’ and ‘Larry’; and furiously trying to hide the fact they missed leg day by covering up their cheese-string’s-flaccid-penis-esque limbs in oversized TapOut joggers. Pricks. But as I said, didn’t bother you. Water off a duck’s moist arse.

You get home. You are pumped from your sweat sesh. You feel invincible – you know what you are going to take on next. Yes…THE WASHING – the fat kid with self esteem issues that would be picked last in PE out of all the other popular household jobs. You are ready to unball the pongy socks of Ms Pg Ponce that you always find hidden behind the sofa. You are mentally prepared to find £26.71 worth of change that you forgot to take out of your pocket rattling around in the drum like the sound of George Bush’s thoughts pinging around the intelligence vacuum that is his mind. AND you are braced for the inevitable skiddy pants that you will have to handle akin to slopping out the sty of a diarrhoea infested hog. BUT first – not a selfie – a cuppa. Something to top off your productive morning and commemorate your four hours of being a superior, young yuppie human being. Yes, you know what you want. You want the stuff that Zoella’s wet dreams are made of. You want the meditative spunk of Taoist monks. You want a Tg Jujube & Osmanthus Green Tea.

The Tea

Alas Twitchers, this was the state of affairs that led to me solidify my ascendancy to the ‘#fitfam’ with a Tg Jujube & Osmanthus Green Tea. It is NOT in fact a drag queen with an attitude problem from Ru Paul’s Drag Race Season 2, but a Great Taste 2015 award winning brew from a company who are part of the Ethical Tea Partnership, and originates from the Dao Ren mountain peak in East China. Now, I will be frank; I have been open about my deep seated, vehement and staunch hatred of most green ‘Chinese piss water’ teas in the past. I think the taste can be likened to the moisture from Ru Paul’s tuck strap after a particularly energetic performance of Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I’m Coming Out’, complete with a  dance routine based around vigorous lunging, and performed in a jam packed gay club where the air conditioning hasn’t worked since 1992. Yes, exactly what you are thinking – green tea usually tastes like a fusty scrotum. Bleugh.

Jujubee or Jujube?!
Jujubee or Jujube?!

However, post the first Octeaber tea tasting evening at Mugen Tea House, I realised that my green-teaism is perhaps unfounded, and at the very least highly outdated, like listening to the latest hip hop grooves of Fetty Wap on cassette tape. (Mom – Google it, promise it isn’t a nasty STD and no, it doesn’t sound like a Nolans’ song you heard in 1982). So when the cheeky Sophia and Hua from Tg engaged me in some outrageous Twitter bantz and intrigued me with their slogan, ‘Smart. Sassy. Social.’, I was a) convinced that they were really drag queens and the love children of Ru Paul in disguise and b) thought their teas would be the perfect ones to try as they would at least have a sense of humour about it if I preferred to kill myself with teabag strings than drink another of their brews.


Far from a lady boy’s clammy gooch, Tg’s Jujube & Osmanthus Green Tea was…DRINKABLE. More than drinkable – VERY PLEASANT. I would even go as far as to say that I have resisted taking my life using teabagging related means and had MULTIPLE MUGS of it. 3.89 cups to be specific, and it would have been a full four if I hadn’t accidentally dropped the little bits of food that get stuck in the plug hole in it whilst washing up. Ms Tetley Titf**k needs to pull her finger out and buy us a dishwasher. So yes, Tg’s blend was an eyeopener for me, very similar to spending an afternoon on Urban Dictionary and finding out what ‘Guatemalan dumpling’ means (enjoy your search – you’re welcome).

I really wanted to get Tg’s tea right and give it the tea-lc it deserved. I think that previously I have used water that is too hot and brewed green teas for too long, giving them that horrible, bitter, industrial strength Bovril flavoured with arsenic flavour. Like the most high maintenance, needy and clingy of girlfriends – the coffee – preparing green tea is comparable to making love to a beautiful woman. You have to treat it right, take your time and add your love liquor to it at a very precise moment – for which there is no conclusive bloody equation – in order to reach #teagasm.  So, I boiled the kettle, physically timed the recommended two minutes cooling period, and then brewed the tea for about three minutes. I even bought it some Hotel Chocolat and a bunch of roses to set the mood.

My artful seduction paid off. Tg’s blend had that familiar, savoury and earthy green tea taste minus the usual bitterness, and felt sensually creamy and ‘full’ in the mouth rather than the thin camel urine I have come to associate with other green teas…*cough* TWININGS *cough*. The addition of the Jujube – a dried Chinese red date and not a fishy queen – and Osmanthus – an East Asian flower and not a Level 56 character from World of Warcraft – added delicate floral high notes and a glorious sweet after taste that provided a refreshing twist on the standard green tea. Easy to drink, Tg’s infusion makes a great mid morning or mid afternoon snack replacement for when you are avoiding the daily office cake banquet that even GBBO’s Mel and Sue would find it difficult to indulge in.

Not like a fusty ball sack, but like making love to a sexy lady
Not like a fusty ball sack, but like making love to a sexy lady


Well…Tg have turned me. They are the confusers, the androgynous beau-teas of the green world – I mean, they do insist in naming their blends after famous drag acts after all. Their Jujube and Osmanthus was – hand on heart – the only green tea infusion that I have enjoyed, optionally had more than one cup of and not thought would make a better anti-rape spray than a hot beverage. It was smooth, creamy and flavourful, with the fruity sweetness contributing to a heavenly green tea experience. You should all rush out and try Tg’s stuff (or even come along to the Octeaber Little Tea Shop of Horrors event on 24 October to potentially win some in a giveaway), especially if you think that green tea tastes worse than the perspiration between an overweight chimney sweep’s flabby folds. Tg’s Jujube – shantay you stay in my tea cupboard drag race of dreams.



Check back tomorrow for the next Octeaber blogging challenge instalment!


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