You have MADE IT. Nope – you have not been made official #teagasm tester for Jolly Brew’s new Mint Chocolate Royale collection (if only!). Alas no – the fit barista in the cafe where you work has not confessed her inner muff mingling tendencies, admitted her undying lust for you and asked you to personally froth her milk. You have NOT EVEN been asked to be Christina Hendricks’ personal (un)dresser for the next series of Madmen, 96% of which will be Joan Holloway related sex scenes (other 4% would be panning shots of her between neck and waist, for two obvious reasons). This is better than all of them put together. So good that even Kayne West’s ego would expand (apparently it expands as the same rate as the universe…Stephen Hawking said so).
You – little old geeky and social inept you – have been featured in The Star newspaper, just for badgering poor folk to drink tea, donate money and endure a few titty jokes in a blog every night. NOT ONLY THAT, a nice lady on BBC Radio Sheffield called Paulette wants to have a natter to you about it at 2:40 on Tuesday 27 October (this is not a subtle hint by the way…it’s a hit you in the face, twerk your nipples and kick you in the woohoo obvious one). It is also going to be live. Three thoughts cross your mind. One, this legitimately means you are a local celebri-tea. Two, does this also mean that you can now start making outrageous Mariah Carey-esque celebri-tea rider demands, like insisting that all venues provide loose leaf tea, KY Jelly, and infusers that are perfect replicas of a female vulva (not that you can get any other ones I assume)? Thirdly, how the bollocking, wanking, f**king hell are you going to sodding well manage not to pissing swear on live twatting radio? SHIT. But you needn’t worry about this now; you need to par-tea like its 1999 to mark your newfound Z list stardom. How I hear you ask? With a nice sit down, a ginger biscuit and a #teagasm orgy with the wonderful people who made you the healthy Twitchy you are today. Yes, let’s get brew drunk and a tad crunk at a tea tasting sesh at South Yorkshire Eating Disorders Association.
This my friends, is where I was last night whilst my lovely mummykins went incredibly off blog topic and blithered on about coffee, chocgasms and Anthony Head (which I’m sure he gives exceptionally). Now, we had rather a lot of tea. Seven cups in all, taking my tea total to twelve for that day which makes me a chai-n drinker. It may all have got a little giddy, and like any self respecting redbush rebel rouser, I did take advantage. Whilst tempted to make them all strip naked, whip themselves with tea bags and dance around a shrine to loose leaf to help them cast off their perverse PG ways, I made them all write one liner reviews of the teas we sampled instead. I also made it competitive so they would stab at one another with their rapier wits to the death…or at least write something half arsed and vaguely coherent on fluorescent post-its to win some tea goodies from the loves at Tg Green Tea, Jadu Tea and Bluebird Tea Co. If you like the sound of getting involved in quali-tea punnage for prizes, then come along to our penultimate Octeaber event on Saturday 24 October, 2-4pm at Mugen Tea House (you really should you know, I will hunt you down and kill you like Liam Neeson in Taken if you don’t).
So, without further ado, here are the best of the one-liner quickies of each brew from last night.
Twitchy One Liner: Better than popping my actual cherry. (Had tan-tea-lising, delicate fruity taste – my favourite of the night, mainly because I was expecting it to taste worse than the contents of a used sanitary towel doused in the bath water following the England rugby team’s defeat in the World Cup)
Winning SYEDA One Liner: Subtle and sexy. (*Snickers* a clinical psychologist said SEX! Look, when will you understand that I am a pubescent, boob obsessed 14 year old boy trapped in a 26 year old woman’s body!?)
Twitchy: Grower not a shower. Smelled like turd, but ended up tasting rather lovely.
SYEDA: Back of the tongue beau-tea. (Tea pun AND bit o’blue fer ‘t’dads? Always going to win)
Twitchy: #MAJORTEAGASM. Like Jolly Brew that you can have at night, in your lingerie, with candles and a rampant…THIRST (dir-tea sods)? BOOM!
SYEDA: Fresh and supple. (Like any good #teagasm should be).
Twitchy: Ginger pubes. Didn’t hit the spot for me. I wanted this to be how a like my women – strong and AGGRESSIVELY GINGER. Yet, it was more like my unfortunate mammaries – limp and sad.
SYEDA: Where is my ginger ninja?! (Gotta love a ‘Gingers’ for Justice’ sentiment).
Twitchy: Rowdy for redbush. ‘Nuff said – this was pant wettingly good.
SYEDA: Vantastic (Strong pun game there)
Twitchy: Breaky…with MIGH-TEA BALLS. A bold, swinging dog’s testicles of a breakfast blend – adorable Assam, debonair Darjeeling and cheeky Ceylon mix.
SYEDA: Morning glory (Trying to appease an inner 14 year old boy, remember!?)
Twitchy: Nice – I was too tired for creativi-tea. This was a soothing woody yet sweet tea – bostin’ before bed.
SYEDA: (Blank) – they were bouncing off the walls with caffeine insani-tea by this point.
All joking aside, this was one of the more emotional Octeaber events for me. It was humbling to be able to celebrate the tireless work of SYEDA staff, reflect on my own and others’ anorexia recovery and simply share a cuppa with people who change the lives of eating disorder sufferers through the simple act of listening where others’ have ignored. The tea – for once – took a backseat in my mind, as I marvelled at the inner strength, generosity and love of all who work at and use SYEDA. Special mention to my nurse Laura who not only made me snort tea juice down my nose with her ‘back of the tongue beauty’, but was also the lynchpin to my recovery. Thank you, Laura, for enabling me to skip the gym, face a meal out and look at my body without guilt, perfectionism or fear. I am eternally thankful for your support, even if you have an unhealthy obsession with pussy…cats.
Tonight then Twitchers, I end on a more serious note and channel the words of Bob Geldof: ‘Give us your f**king money’. SYEDA will do great things with it, provide much needed services to eating disorder sufferers and won’t blow it on penny chews and the latest edition of Heat.