You are in desperate need of a tea-tox. You experienced severe brew-toxification after the 31 tea binge at the weekend, and you are on a serious caffeine come down inducing the same level of depression as the realisation that you had not only finished the Game of Thrones books, but also finished the series on Sky. What will you fill your Khalessi-caffeine void with now? You have been drinking the strong stuff as if you were being fed it via a hospi-tea-l drip for the last 27 days, whilst eating so many sweet treats to go with it that you may end up looking like a gluten free, sugar free and nutritional content free pecan and sweet potato brownie. To complicate matters, you have begun to wake up with caffeine shakes that rival a heroin addict with Parkinson’s and a nervous disposition during their first cold turkey experience. You are also sporting an erratic mood to match: if you don’t start your day with a loose leaf kick in the ass(am) potent enough to fail drugs testing and warranting disqualification from an Olympic chai-athlon, you are likely to scream blue in the face at inanimate objects for ignoring you; believe that the Clairol advert with Christina Hendricks in Good Housekeeping is talking to you about the weather, or worse…you may be driven to roughly teabag a PG Tips in a moment of desperation.
You are due on BBC Radio Sheffield later*, so it’s maybe time to take it a little easier and forget your membership of the Brew Tan Clan for a moment. Perhaps ween off the strong shit for at least…3 hours 34mins, just so you don’t seem like an utter loon on local radio whilst people are enjoying a cuppa, driving a taxi or engaging in a spot of satanic worship whilst checking in with their community. It might then, be time for a caffeine-aggression-and-hallucinogenic-free Wise Owl Jamaican Lemongrass and Sage tea.
*You can have a listen to me with several plums stuck in my mouth on the Paulette Edwards show today here – fast forward to about an hour and 47mins through. Form an orderly queue if you would like extraneous body parts signing.
Yes folks, Wise Owl Lemongrass and Sage tea was my one mug mental caffeine asylum admittance prevention strategy. Boy was it needed; that very morning I had lost my marbles in a caffeine withdrawal rage at a blunt Gillette Venus razor for its inability to shave my tea caddy effectively-it was like an asthmatic gnat trying to gnaw its way unsuccessfully through toughened steel. Ouch. However, the lovely Steve at Wise Owl must have had a premonition, not about my lady topiary but about brew-flagging around the 27th Octeaber. Inspired by the spice merchants of the 18th Century – who I imagine all looked like Ser Davos Seaworth from Game of Thrones, minus the missing knuckles – Wise Owl seek out ingredients from around this big ol’planet of ours and very beau-tea-fully juxtapose them together into some pretty saucy devils of blends. Steve was a cu-tea pie and sent me a metric shit ton of his blends which I can’t wait to sup on, but on this occasion I plumped for the Jamaican Lemongrass and Sage for three reasons. One, apparently sage is used to soothe excitable conditions, and I didn’t want to be bouncing off the walls of Paulette Edwards’ studio like a toddler after too many Kit Kats. Two, my favourite comfort food is Paxo Sage & Onion stuffing – delicacy of the GODS. And three, I held on to a vain hope that it would enable me to grow a Bob Marley style afro, marijuana chilled disposition and ultimate persona of cool quicker than you can say ‘supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’. (Yes, grammar nerds, this is spelled correctly).
To mix things up a bit (and using a CBTea technique to break items’ association with repeated caffeine abusive behaviour), I dug out my most jaunty brew receptacle – my Ma and Pa’s Scrabble Mug. Scrabble is held up as a test of intelligence, wit and familial status in the Witch family, and I needed this comforting reminder of home, family Scrabble tournaments and the inevitable slanging matches that ensued when debating whether Grandma could legitimately play ‘wanker’ over a double AND triple word score (the answer to which is yes apparently). Upon brewing the sensual smelling silk temple for around five minutes, I indulged in a crisp and fresh herbal brew. Wise Owl’s blend has a tea-toxifying citrusey punch and a refreshingly smooth mouth-feel provided by the lemon grass. This in then followed up by the rejuvenating savoury and minty flavour of the sage. A cup of this was just the tonic to start my caffeine cleanse, and is a great builders’ brew substitute in the morning if you want something that leaves you feeling clean, refreshed and sans builders’ bum crack. Uplifting indeed.
Are you shouting at door knobs? Do you moan the words ‘Breakfast Tea’ when enjoying a steamy romantic night in with your partner? Are you driven to hopeless, desperate and reckless teabagging when you miss your morning loose leaf fix?! If you have answered yes to any or all of these you are bloody mental…and in need of a tea-tox in the form of Wise Owl’s Lemongrass and Sage tea. Spritely, zingy and energizing, this brew is fantastic for giving you that morning kick in the naugh-tea cups without the caffeine guilt afterwards. It’s also an awesome way to recreate the taste of chasing up a lemon sherbet flavour Lucky Dip with a tablespoon of raw Paxo Sage & Onion stuffing granules…HEAVEN.