Octeaber: Nosfera-tea – the end of the world is nigh

Well here we are folks. THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT. Otherwise known as the end of Octeaber, the resumption of my ability to sleep normally and finally calling Steph…well gorgeous honey-bum-baby-bear rather than Tetley Tea Tit, PG Poonani or Yorkshire Tea Twat waffle. She will be overjoyed. What an insane 31 days it has been, but boy have we (I assume?!) enjoyed the magical carpet ride. Through millions of cups of tea, thousands of brew related innuendos and hundreds of references to Christina Hendricks’ phenomenal milk jugs, together we have raised nearly £500 for the worthy cause that is South Yorkshire Eating Disorders Association (exact figure confirmed when JustGiving get their grubby mitts off the funds and transfer it electronically). Without you Twitchers, your dir-tea minds and liberal morals, this enterprise would not have been possible. I have been so humbled by all of your support, donations and eye strain over the last month to make Octeaber happen. I guess what I am trying to say is…TA VERY MUCH YOU SEX-TEA MUGGA CUPPAS!

It seems only fitting then that we look back over the last month, and iden-tea-fy the most memorable moments of Octeaber. You can hear me do this in person TOMORROW, TEA DRUNK and DRESSED AS A JAUNTY WITCH at Mugen Tea House, from 7pm for FREE, with FREE entry, FREE tea, FREE nibbles, FREE cake, FREE MACARONS from Patisserie Rose, PRIZES, QUIZZES and FUN STUFF. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT IT IS FREE?! You should join us to celebrate the end of Octeaber maybe, and get your money’s worth out of your ‘sexy zombie-bride-cat-nurse’ Halloween costume.

Anyway, in a moderately chronological order, here is my Buzz Feed styleee Top 10 Octeaber Memor-teas!

10. Getting through several pairs of knickers after daily explosive #teagasms

From Hojichas masquerading as American biologists to Russian Caravans posing as Brew Pac Shakur, I have suckled on some of the finest tit-teas known to man this month. It is impossible to pick a favourite as there have been so many, but I am glad to say that I have rethought my staunch hatred of green tea. I am now comfortable to admit that it doesn’t taste like the tea-jaculate of a Star Wars character…or if it does, I would be at the front of the sci-fi fellatio queue.

So much tea. So little time.
So much tea. So little time.
9. Outrageously flir-tea-ing with tea companies, and somehow getting them to support Octeaber with F**K TONS of lovely stuff!

I have been overwhelmed (and bloody lucky) by the support of the swee-tea pies at local, national and international tea companies; without their generosi-tea, Octeaber would have been a pretty dry month! Special brew love has to go to Sarah from Mugen Tea House for all of her hard work, great ideas and crack-like addictive cake to make our Octeaber events so successful. Thank you! Also biggup to my homebois from:

  • Birdhouse Tea Company – for giving me the encouragement to start this blog in the first place, cheering me on and always giving me bostin’ cuppas when I come in for a chinwag!
  • Jollybrew – for inducing countless teagasms and sending me loads of brews that I regularly wish to mas-tea-bate over
  • Tg Green Teas – Sophia and Hua’s good humour, good nature and gorgeously good green tea has been a godsend
  • Tea Studio – thank you to Kyle for sending me some pretty swanky and unusual brews that broadened my horizons and made me feel like an arty beatnik!
  • Jadu Tea – for sending me the most decadent tea collection that made my working class chip on my shoulder pulsate, amongst other body parts…
  • Forleaves – Drew’s fantastic prize and tea has not only made me weak at the knees (I can’t wait to give it a proper review post Octeaber!), but also converted Steph’s brother into drinking hot beverages for the first time, with terrifying enthusiasm
  • Piacha – your Twitter banter and luscious rooibos have fuelled even the most stressful of blogging and Excel spreadsheet disaster situations for which I am eternally grateful!
  • Bluebird Tea Company – for managing to whack together the most unlikely of flavours and making them taste better than liquidised sex in a mug
  • Cosy Tea – your teabags were the gateway drug that I used to convince my colleagues that tea could be more than a breakfast brew; I salute your epic tes-tea-cles!
  • Chi Tea – for sending me tan-tea-lising tasters that have left me begging for more
  • We Are Tea – beau-tea-ful prizes, beau-tea-ful brews. ‘Nuff said.
  • Patisserie Rose Macarons – Loveable Laura and Dazzling Dan have generously provided the most delightful macarons that I have ever poured down my gullet at great speed. They are just starting out on their macaron world domination, so I highly recommend you get your paws on their creations now before they go exponential, move to France on the back of their success, and forget all us little people!
  • Wise Owl Tea, Shibui Tea, Mad Hatter tea, Teaologists, and any other lovely brew-brothers that have sent me things to try, giveaway or simply out of the goodness of their heart – I LOVE YOU OOLONG TIME!
8. Humiliating local hipsta barista by getting them to pose awkwardly as if it was a Year 9 school photo

See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil. Need I say more?

1. 3 amigos at Upshot Espresso
Puberty came very early (and beardily) at Upshot Espresso
7. Facing anorexia head on with ALL THE CAKE. Nothing like a bap-tea-sm of fire

Anything worth doing, is worth doing properly and with 110% effort. Sitting an exam? You must revise for 23.5 hours a day until the day itself. Learning French? Only speak French for two years until you have mastered it, despite never being able to order a decent meal in Hillsborough with much success. Overcoming anorexia? Only eat cake, macarons and food items with triple your daily sugar allowance in for 31 days until you reach a healthy weight…or a debilitating sugar coma.

6. Becoming a local Z list celebri-tea

Radio appearances, newspaper slots – next you will see me on Celebri-tea Big Brother trying to get myself off with a teapot in the diary room.

Can't believe I wasn't moved on by security for crimes against bobble hats
Can’t believe I wasn’t moved on by security for crimes against bobble hats
5. Turning virtual tea friends into REAL HUMAN LIFE ONES!

Before The Tea Witch, I hated social media with a passion. I thought it was the preying ground for cyber bullies, paedophiles and supernaturally fit gym instructors who make everyone else feel shit about their Weetabix for breakfast compared to their avocado on toast with a protein shake and side of self righteousness. However, I was wrong (although not about the gym instructors, there is plenty of cult ‘fitfam’ going on). I have met some genuinely lovely, hilarious and wonderfully wicked human beings who I am honoured to say are now friends in REALITY. I know, relationships with real life conversations and human interaction WITH OUR VOICES and everything. Major awks. Loads of love and cuddles to my new BFF fo’lyf Michael ‘McBrew Balls’ from Hashtag Teaclub; his retweets, avid scouring of my blog for the most inappropriate quotes to publicly humiliate me and all round northern niceness have kept me going throughout Octeaber, and even contributed to it with our tea crawl. May our shared (and bordering on the obscene) fanaticism about tea long continue sir!

Thank god I managed to prise his grandad flat cap off for this shot.
Thank god I managed to prise his grandad flat cap off for this shot.
 4. Convincing The Old Tea Witch (hallowed be thy name) that there is more to life than being a Koffee Kunt

She came. She blogged. She conquered her tea fear. Bless my mother for reading every single word of Octeaber, offering constructive criticism and even contravening the very fibre of her being by trying some tea. Love ya Ma!

3. Rinsing the Oxford English (and Urban) Dictionary for every swear word beginning with T & P to refer to my avid teabagger Steph

My most visited websites throughout Octeaber have been swearing.com, Urban Dictionary and…Christina Hendricks’ wikipedia page. I have exhausted all three sources of information for swear words that begin or rhyme with household tea bag brands that I could refer to in the same sentence as my beloved. I even resorted to combining obscenities when I got desperate. So, for the final time, thank you to Steph ‘Tetley Twerkflaps’ for your undying love, inspiration and thick skinned sense of humour.

2. Twitcher generosi-tea, and I don’t mean giving me new binoculars to observe my favourite blue tits

You lot – yes you there, reading this whilst you pick your nose and eat it in your pjs – have been quite fabulous. Not only have you religiously read my lewd ramblings on a regular basis, you have also donated, attended events and not contacted the internet authorities for slander, obscenity or over use of terrible Dad joke tea puns. Simply put, THANK YOU, YOU JOLLY NICE IN-TEA-VIDUALS. Especially for the last one; I don’t think they do a decent brew in prison.

1. Raising much needed dollar for the awesome SYEDA, whilst cramming in every single Chris-tea-na Hendricks – goddess of all that is good – reference possible.

Let’s remember why I have put myself through this ordeal. 725,000 people suffer with an eating disorder in the UK (bEAT, 2015), but with pressure upon NHS services, many sufferers do not get the treatment and support they need to recover. South Yorkshire Eating Disorders Association is a charity that attempts to fill this resource gap for local sufferers, by offering information, advice and support services to those who slip through the NHS system. Unfortunately, there services are not well known in the local area meaning that many sufferers don’t know the support is out there for them, and SYEDA often get overlooked by fundraisers.

By reading this blog, donating some dollar and coming to have a cuppa with me and many other folk at the tea-tasting events, you have enabled SYEDA to improve their services, raise awareness of what they do and perhaps most importantly, taken away the taboo of talking about eating disorders and anorexia. GO TEA-M!

Thank You, script lettering





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