A tiny deviation from the norm today Twitchers; we’re talking about snacks. Dirty, devilish and decadent snacks. Big, brownie ones. Whilst not strictly tea, the best cuppas always come with culinary friends with benefits. So relax, sit back and enjoy the journey down my brownie passage.
Picture the scene. You’ve had a manic day at the office, sat through a three hour meeting where only 0.01 seconds were relevant to you, AND you get home to the smell of a fish market as you forgot to take the bin out. Magic. Post nuclear bin disposal, you embark upon the ul-tea-mate relaxation. Giraffe onesie? CHECK. Guaranteed Jolly Brew teagasm? CHECK. Overly violent gangster film so you can imagine victims are obtuse colleagues? CHECK. (It was Goodfellas by the way. D’ya think I’m funny?! Do ya!?)
Suddenly – at 8:36pm precisely – there is an ominous knock at the door. Who’s this? Who’s this at this hour? You panic – is Joe Peshi coming to get you as you made eyes at his broad? Does Paulie want his protection money? Has the bin mutated and sprouted legs to get back in the warm?! Fortunately not. It’s only the cheeky chappie Clive from Boxed Brownies delivering some gooey squares of perfection. Phew!
Many apologies Clive for my mistrustful eyes, questionable pyjamas and wielding a baseball bat – I thought you were coming to whack me Goodfellas style.
Once I had lowered my heart rate enough to process the fact I wasn’t about to get shot, I inspected the wondrous box in front of me. It was the most adorably wrapped letter bomb of cutesy yellow and white twine, minimalist chic brown boxing and a loud, proud ‘Made in Sheffield’ sticker. And so Boxed Brownies should be; these bad boys were the best chocolatey nougats of joy ever to pass my lips, and the owners Clive and Hayley are amongst the nicest people on the planet (well…from what I can glean from their Twitter bants, Octeaber support and the evidence I have gathered from stalking their house).
I tore open the Sheffield branded packaging to find six perfectly formed beauties, a flirty calling card that nearly laughed me into bed, and a miniature Cilla Black ready to introduce my blind brownie dates for the evening. In true Blind Date style: Boxed Brownies – COME ON DOWN!
There were a lorra lorra #browniegasms during this dessert tapas experience. Here is a whistle stop tour of each ripple of pleasure – Boxed Brownies, what’s your name and where’d you come from?
STOLLEN – The Token German
Can’t beat a hunk o’German at Christmas…all the decorations, traditions and family arguments hail from their fine country after all. Nutty, cinnammony and irresistably dense – similar to David Beckham – Boxed Brownies’ take on Stollen encapsulated the holiday teason in a yummy cube.
SALTED CARAMEL & CASHEW – The Predictable One
Salt + caramel + nuts = guaranteed winner (and wonderfully sticky mess). This brownie was a predictable hit, with the heavenly balance of sweet, savoury and chocolate sexiness ensuring a #tastegasm with every bite. Imagine a Cadbury’s Fredo smoking a fat cigar at a Bar Mitzvah; intriguing, slightly odd but DELISH!
CRANBERRY & PISTACHIO – The Intimidatingly Good Looking One
This gave me #browniebumtime i.e. you have to be sat down before you fall down with lust to enjoy this one. It combines the moreish texture of rocky road, the flavour of everyone’s childhood favourite Turkish Delight, and the density of a black hole, to create an unparalleled taste experience. Definitely my joint favourite of the bunch.
BONFIRE TOFFEE & MARSHMALLOW – The Shower not a Grower
Now, don’t get me wrong, this brownie was sumptuous. BUT, I expected a little bit more from this edible cuboid. It’s smokey toffee flavour and mashmallowy goodness was a sweetie sanctuary yes, but I felt it was missing a certain je ne sais quoi. Perhaps a kick of spice? I am being very pernickety here though, and what do I know? I walk round brandishing my mugs at unsuspecting members of the public – I’m no expert!
AMARETTO & ROSEMARY – The Alcoholic
I love liqueurs. I love Paxo stuffing. Ergo, I loved this. The subtle, boozy tang of amaretto paired gorgeously with the herby freshness of rosemary and rich brownie mouthfeel. It was like hanging out with a drunken stuffing ball photocopying its own mini baubles at the office Christmas party – deliciously memorable.
CARDAMOM & GINGER – The Quiet One
This wedge of wonder tied with the Cranberry & Pistachio for first place in the taste test. It reminded me of the middle child of any family; often over-looked, quieter than the others yet understatedly beautiful. The zingy spice of ginger juxtaposed incredibly with the distinct aroma of cardamom to produce a chai-like chocolatey chunk. I frothed at the face gash for this fiery festive fiend. It led me to flout all rules of brownie tapas; after one tiny sliver I simply had to ram the whole thing in my gob. SENSATIONAL!
The first rule of Boxed Brownie Club is: forget what you think a brownie should taste like, as Boxed Brownies will redefine it with their mind blowing flavour combinations. The second rule of Boxed Brownie Club is: disregard all your prior brownie experiences as once you sample one of theirs, all other attempts pale in comparison. The third rule of Boxed Brownie Club is: DO NOT TALK ABOUT BOXED BROWNIE CLUB. As then every Tom, Dick and Harry will buy them, eat them and leave none left for you, FATTY.
Put simply, you HAVE to try these. Go, go now and STUFF ALL THE BOXED BROWNIES IN YOUR CAKEHOLE! Oh, and use the handy 20% off code ‘CHRISTMAS’ (original!) to help you on your way to obesity. Don’t say that I never give you anything.