If you hadn’t noticed, it’s Chris-tea-mas. Alas, that time of year when we eat too much, drink too much and steel ourselves for the annual family bust up. Peace and goodwill to all men, my bottom! As we have established then, the fes-tea-ve season is both SUPER fun but also SUPER F**KING STRESSFUL. Crazed Christmas shopping crowds are known to reduce grown women to tea-rs (*waves frantically at Ms PG Pussoir herself*). So, to take the stress out of last minute gif-tea-ing for your favourite Brew Nerd this year, here are my top 3 dos and don’ts.
DO buy your Tea Lover shit tons of teagasmic blends
I’m not talking about the reduced aisle at M&S, nor a quick pit stop at a M42 motorway service station for a box of Tetley (you scum). I am talking about the A grade, top quality GOOD STUFF. The brews that make your toes curl, brows sweaty and pants wet with pleasure. Obviously this means loose leaf. And obviously this means one of the following:
- Jollybrew Mint Chocolate Royale – this is just insanely delicious. My post says it all – be sure to consume indoors, away from other people and preferably in the dark to avoid arrest for in-tea-cent exposure. Happy Teagasming!
- T2 Tea New York Breakfast – my go to morning treat. Think good clean fun from fine grade Assam, mixed with dirty slut drops from cinnamon and vanilla that make it taste like liquified, calorific pancakes. Yummy y’all!
- The Tea Experience Japanese Cherry – for those who don’t normally like green tea but are partial to a cherry bakewell. A gorgeous sencha with a moreishly fruity kick…that doesn’t taste like green tea at all. RESULT!
DON’T be a dick and regift the PG Tips presentation box at the back of the cupboard
Don’t you even think about it. I will go all Liam Neeson from Taken on yo’ass. I WILL find out who you are. I WILL hunt you down. And I WILL KILL YOU.
You have been warned.
DO get your Tea Tosser magical tea accessories to reaffirm their brew wizard status
If you can store tea in it, brew better tea with it or if it simply has tea somewhere on it, then you are on to a winner. We Brew Bitchez are a shallow bunch. I can particularly recommend:
- Inginui-tea – fab way to give your leaves room to breathe to release all that flavour. Better than locking them up in a Harry Houdini style straight-jacket i.e a crappy ball tea infuser.
- Aladdin Travel Tea Infuser – prevent Tea Geek tantrums on long journeys to the in-laws with this one. Simple, convenient and pretty to look at, this invention will ensure your budding sommelier can get their loose leaf fix ANYWHERE. Even Woodall Services on the M1 (I have evidence…).
- Any beautiful tea caddy (these from Birdhouse are lovely) – our version of pornography. What good is a teagasm if your loose leaf doesn’t dress in sexy underwear for foreplay beforehand? On a serious note, keeps your tea safe from the elements and fresh for longer. ‘Nuff said.
DON’T get them a comedy tea infuser that is as useful as a lesbian at a Dreamboys show
Step away from the Amazon flash deals. A ‘Pug in a Mug’ might seem like a good idea at the time, but I assure you…IT IS NOT. DON’T DO IT! BACK OFF THE ‘BUY IT NOW’ BUTTON!
DO get your Blend Basher some scrumptious ‘avec thé’ snacks
It’s Christmas for God’s sake. Don’t expect your beloved tea tart to settle with a soggy digestive during the season of decadence. Instead, what about:
- Macarons from Patisserie Rose – from vanilla chai flavour to my personal favourite, peppermint, they deliver circular little mouth orgasms every time. Incredible sweet treats. You will be hammering at the kitchen door of Ms Laura Macaronier for more come January, I guarantee it.
- Brownies from Boxed Brownies – cuboids of cum-inducing chocolatey-ness. So good, I did a blog review of them AND sent a box to Mamma and Pappa Tea Witch. They adored them, which is an accolade and a half – they are infamous for being more difficult to impress than Mrs Bucket. (Hi Mom!)
- Miss Adu’s Cakes – Your Tea Twat allergic to dairy? Gluten? All food ever? Never fear – Charity AKA Miss Adu can rustle something up that it is healthy(ish), delicious and to your specifications in quick time. Lactose free boob cake it is!
DON’T present them with a tea pun mug that is more tired than Alan Sugar’s eye bags
Sweet Chai of mine. Mr Tea. Hello, is it tea you’re looking for? F**K OFF. They are tired, boring and your brew aficionado probably has a gazillion of them already. Do the opposite of Nike:
JUST DON’T DO IT!
There we have it then folks. Simple mantras to help you navigate the trickiest brew bas-tea-rds tastes and presents this year. A Merry Chris-tea-mas to you all! And remember: