Christmas is a time for indulgence. A time to squeeze all whom you hold dear to your (hopefully well stacked) bosom. A time for cooking disasters, gif-tea-ing fails and family politics more complex than the Cuban Missile Crisis. SUCH FUN! Joy will be unbridled. Nerves will be frayed. And mouths will be a-gasping for a decent brew to get you through the most wonderful time of the year (apparently).
Never fear, Brew Bruvvaz, The Tea Witch is here, with five unstoppable cuppas to survive the most devastating fes-tea-ve dilemmas. Merry bloody ChrisTEAmas!
1. Woken up at 5am by overly enthusiastic children
Awww bless, kids still believe in Santa at the tender age of six. And they still think it is Santa – not their parents frazzled by a month of e-number fuelled excitement – that drink the whisky left by the door. Clearly oblivious to drink drive laws…and the Working Time Directive making it impossible for Santa to do his job in such a short time, and without a mandatory 40 minute break. Although, kids aren’t completely retarded; they do think it’s weird that the big man is rather partial to Dad’s favourite Jammy Dodgers, despite not being sold on the North Pole…
Anyway, whether the children in your Christmas life believe in Saint Nick or not, they WILL be up at the crack of dawn, and they WILL be more irritating than dropping the perfect Hobnob in yer brew. So, whaddya need to cope with this first fes-tea-ve hurdle? A breaky tea with massive, swinging, hunormous…baubles. A cuppa with more caffeinated punch than Bruce Lee, combined with the taste of something familiar for your knackered (and probably hungover) palette to hit your tea-spot. I recommend Brew Tea Co.’s English Breakfast Tea; a blend of hand picked Indian Assam and Sri Lankan Ceylon, this is the top quality, malty and straight talking teagasm you need to deal with little rascals after one too many Freddos at 5:02am.
2. Receiving the world’s shittest gift
You asked your Nan for loose leaf chai and posh chocs. She misheard you; you end up receiving pus green hand knitted socks. Gift fail – that hearing aid clearly requires new ba-tea-rries. You need to soothe your disappointment with a brew that is both calming and decadent at the same time; this is a job for Shibui’s Chocolate and Ginger infusion. The cocoa husk is a luxurious reminder of chain eating 36 Cadbury’s selection boxes on Christmas morning, whilst the spicy kick from ginger and liquorice will calm your Nan-focused murderous tendencies. Drink up, Reg-tea Kray.
3. Burning the turkey
Whoever thought buying a turkey the size of Jabba the Hutt should be pelted with PG Tips (a fate worse than death). As should the family member who accidentally set the cooking time to CREMATE! Drown the taste of burnt bird out of your mouth with a flavourful, piquant an-tea-dote in the form of The Tea House’s ‘Some Like it Hot’ Masala Chai. A combination of black tea, cinnamon, cardamom, aniseed, ginger, black pepper, cloves, chicory root and most likely marijuana for good measure, this brew has all the hallmarks of a fes-tea-ve blend with a tangy kick at the back of your mince pie hole. No more twatted turkey taste for you!
4. The annual family disagreement
The only thing more certain than presents at Christmas is a Godfather style family argument. Your Dad wants to play a mind numbingly boring board game (Uno, if you must know). Your cousin wants to watch a Christmas film (since when is 50 Shades of Grey classed as festive?!). Your aunt wants to drag up every mis-tea-meanour of the last year through the medium of passive aggressive charades. CHAOS ENSUES.
I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse. Keep your rapier – but unhelpful – wit in check with a zen ‘Just be Cool’ Organic Moroccan Mint Green tea from Tea Leaf Company. The peppermint will chill your tits and settle your stomach from both your humungous Christmas dinner and dread at the impending family boxing match. Whilst the caffeine from the refreshing, high grade green tea will keep you sharp in case tree decorations, plates and/or Grandma start flying. Good luck, Don Corleone.
5. Celebrating EPIC Scrabble victory
Your entire family are in one room. This can only mean one thing. SCRABBLE SMACKDOWN – LET’S GET READYYY TOOO RUUMMMMBBBLLLLLEEEEE! Will your brother triumph with a triple letter score on ‘J’ in ‘Jugs’? Will Mom annihilate competition using all of her letters on a double word score with ‘moisten’? Will Dad simply manage to stay awake for an entire game?!
No my friend. No. It is YOU who are victorious. You land a triple word score, triple letter score on ‘k’ and use all of your letters for a bonus with the best word in the English language…’WANKERS’. Suck on that, rela-tea-ves! You need a brew to mark your god-like wordsmith abili-teas. A cuppa to commemorate your ChrisTEAmas Scrabble domination. Birdhouse Tea Company’s Mulled Wine is the only nectar that is truly worthy of this task. It has all the fruity goodness of its alcoholic cousin with a mix of apple, elderberry and orange pieces, but without the awkward crying in a corner after one glass. This is a boldly sweet and full bodied infusion perfect for wallowing in your mad board game skillz.
Now be gone my Tea Tosspots; go forth and enjoy your festive dilemmas safe in the knowledge that…TEA GOT YO’ BACK, BREW!