‘Are you f**king kidding me – you are getting TEST TUBES of tea now? Who’d you think you are – Walter White?! HAVE YOU GOT CANCER?! Don’t you dare start cooking tea meth!’
This was the not at all over-reaction of my long suffering PG Ponce Pussy when I received Boho Chai’s sample test tubes last month. I rather liked the GCSE Chemistry style presentation, but alas, Ms Tetley Twinkle Tits was NOT so partial to the test tubes adorning our kitchen worktop. She is convinced I am now dealing crack out of the back of my Ford Fiesta. How ridiculous…it isn’t big enough and I have a secret Winnebago for that.
Hysteric woman reaction aside, I was delighted when Lucy of Boho Chai offered to send me some of her stuff (tea, not smack) after my usual social media stalking routine. Her packaging is intrinsic to the creative, youthful and edgey brand look that Boho Chai is going for. Lucy started the company seven months ago after being inspired by her travels to Thailand, and wanted to create authentic yet contemporary and fun blends to capture the spirit of her adventures. Although, I’m not sure how a blue coloured brew captures escapades in the Far East…more like frolics behind the bins of your local Sainsburys drinking windscreen wiper fluids with the neighbourhood tramp (so I am told).
Lucy was kind enough to send me five of her intriguing blends all the way from Cyprus (where I once crashed a Segway due to a distracting arse jiggling incident): Morning Americano, Lemon Mojito Green, Chamomile Vanilla, Blue Chai and Toffee Chocolate Hazelnut. Keeping with the spirit of musical legends from my last blog post, today I am going to review my Boho Chai cuppas through the medium of their namesake (probably): Queen songs. Oh, and keep your eyes peeled as I will share a discount code for you to try them yourself at the end of the post – don’t you even think about scrolling down the page without reading every word. I will find you. I will judge you. I will send you passive aggressive postcards. That’s a promise.
Fat Bottomed Girls – TOFFEE CHOCOLATE HAZELNUT
3 Freddie Star Moustaches out of 5
First up on our Queen playlist is the sweet dessert treat of Toffee Chocolate Hazelnut. I peeled open the ominous looking test tube and thought for a moment that I had doused my naked body in Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum and rolled in nut shavings. In other words, it smelled INCREDIBLE and mildly alcoholic, with distinct toffee sweetness mingled with deep nuts (ooeeer matron). Initial flirtations were good.
I brewed up this combo of toffee pieces, hand milled hazelnuts, dark chocolate flakes and Yunnan (not mynan) black tea for four minutes. For once in my tea career, I enjoyed this brew without milk. Its smooth mouthfeel, light floral flavours of Yunnan and sweet, earthy richness of hazelnut and dark chocolate was like drinking a hot toddy of Kraken Rum and Hotel Chocolat. Divine. However, like some other teas I have reviewed recently, this taste was not unique and didn’t offer anything that I haven’t tried before, which is why I have given it 3 out 5. Don’t get me wrong though, this is a great after dinner sugar hit if you are trying to be less of a fat bottomed girl.
I want to break free – CHAMOMILE VANILLA
4.5 Transvestites out of 5
Sometimes you just wanna dress in fishnet stockings and a pink sweater, don a Freddie style moustache and break free from caffeine for a while (and any social norms that are hanging around too). This gorgeous Chamomile Vanilla allows you to do just that. I have only ever drunk ‘straight’ chamomile before now – i.e blends that metaphorically only like opposite sex missionary position – so the addition of a new flavour was a welcome change. The honey tones of chamomile meshed perfectly with the creamy sweetness of vanilla for a calming brew after a day that makes you want to KILL ALL THE THINGS…or a heavy housework session, as Freddie and his cross dressing boys would recommend. (I do hope you have seen the Queen video to ‘I Want to Break Free’, otherwise the above paragraph would be excellent evidence to have me sectioned).
Don’t Stop Me Now – LEMON MOJITO GREEN
4 Latino Lovelies out of 5
I’m not a huge green tea fan as we all know – I liken it to licking the scrotums of the Welsh Rugby team post a Six Nations match that has gone to extra time. However, this Cuban inspired cuppa won me over. Containing white tea, green tea, ginger, lemon myrtle (why on earth you need a Harry Potter character in a brew I’ll never know), jasmine, citrus peel, cucumber, pineapple, papaya, marigolds, star anise and the kitchen sink, this blend has a larger cast than J-Lo’s entourage. But it works – too many cooks do not spoil the broth as two minutes brewing time makes for a zesty, refreshing little number that has none of the earthiness of green tea, yet all of the energising properties. Whilst more reminiscent of Schloer, Calippo ice lollies and the sweet nectar of a Latino lovely than a mojito, this blend is up there with my favourite green teas. Don’t stop me now…I might become a yoga going, communist hippie green tea lover before you know it.
Killer Queen – BLUE CHAI
2.5 Blue Boyband Members out of 5
So…this was more blue than Lee Ryan, Duncan James, Simon Webbe and Anthony Costa put together (the boyband Blue, if you didn’t know and have a modicum of street cred). Unlike these washed up celebrities though, Blue Chai was a more interesting concoction of dried butterfly pea leaves from Thailand. I brewed the flowers for around four minutes and on pouring it out I thought I had mistakenly brewed up a bottle of my fountain pen ink. This was SERIOUSLY dark blue – more blue black than my heart towards teabag usage.
I’m still not sure whether I like this blend after two cups of the stuff. On first sip, it had a full bodied, grassy taste similar to green tea, and was followed up with a subtle honey flavour like a chamomile. I found it a little odd and bland for my tastes, but I feel it could be a good base for a more complex blend. I agree with Lucy on her website where she recommends combining this with honey or Moroccan Mint to bring out the petals’ properties. So, much like my feelings of ambivalence towards Queen’s ‘Killer Queen’, I’m undecided on this one.
Bohemian Rhapsody – MORNING AMERICANO
5 Bryan May guitar licks out of 5
Like the No.1 song of all time, this cuppa was the best of the bunch for me. It was a unique, bold and bitchin’ blend of black tea from India, Africa and China. It’s crystal clear malty flavours with a hint of smoke reminded me of what tea would taste like if it went to a fancy dress party as coffee. I loved its strong, ballsy nature with a dash of milk on mornings where a standard breaky brew would be too much of a pussy to help me with the day ahead. Morning Americano is a fresh take on the humble cuppa, as it melds together the maltiness of a traditional cup of tea and the smokiness of Russian Caravan, without the bitterness and stench of a wet camping weekend in Scotland that normally goes with it. I adored it – it’s now a trusty member of my morning arsenal to cope with mamma just killing a man…
There we have it then Twitchers – five queens for you to get your teeth into. As promised, I have a discount code to help you on your way – head over to the Boho Chai website and enter the code TTWBOHO20 for 20% discount on your order. Don’t ever tell me that I don’t look after you.
Oh, and if you did just scroll down to the bottom after the first paragraph – you scrounging sod – at least check out some of my suggestions above so you spend your discount code wisely.
Until next time, chaps…