Whatcha’ cocks! Long time no speak! What have you been wrapping your moist mouths around the last few months? I want to hear ALL the gory details!
On a serious note, thank you for all the Twitter, email, text and snail mail support as I have been sexually harrassing NHS nurses for the last two months – not the shits and giggles as it first sounds. I’m not going to bore you with the details like your Nan does with her bowel movements, but I’m slowly on the mend. However, one of the worst things about being out of action was having to give up something very close to my heart. NOT inappropriate humour. NOT Twitter stalking. NOT even Christina Hendricks pornography videos (the relief). BUT…
…CAFFEINE. Yup, black tea was off limits. My tea cupboard was obsolete. I did seriously consider suicide.
It was hell. There were cold turkey moments. There were tears. Worst of all, I even stooped to decaf tea bags. THE SHAME OF IT. Yet, I am never one to be beaten. I took this as an opportunity to explore my two loves even further; bush and tea. So welcome, Twitchers, to my rundown of rooibos that kept me sane for the last eight weeks, through the medium of my favourite celebrity redbushes.
The Emma Stone – Dragonfly Tea Vanilla Rooibos
Delicate, fragrant and cutesy sweet, Dragonfly Tea Vanilla Rooibos was an elegant post 3pm experience – much how I imagine Emma Stone to be after a dinner date. The earthy rooibos mixed with strong, saccharine (posh word for sugary – read a book!) Madagascan Vanilla, made for an ideal replacement for a vat of Ben and Jerry’s Vanilla Cookie Dough in illness depression. The flavours were refined and delicate, reminiscent of a well brewed green tea. In my darkest ‘I’m so ill I want to nestle in my mother’s bosom’ moments, this brew calmed me down and helped me deal with my Oedipus complex.
THE TILDA SWINTON – Dragonfly Tea Breakfast ROoibos
Strong, spunky and a little bit scary – similar to a raunchy evening with Tilda Swinton – this cuppa will put hairs on you chest. I found myself scratching my eyes out with withdrawal symptoms for my black, ballsy breaky brew and this bag filled that caffeine shaped hole.This rooibos has a deep, full bodied and malty flavour that resembles a well extracted cup of coffee. Paired with a drop of milk and full English breakfast, this humble bag of magic kept me from rubbing my own redbush in cold turkey frustration.
The Julianne Moore – Redbush Tea Company Original Rooibos
Wholesome, homely and just simply lovely – like a cosy night in with Julianne Moore – Redbush Tea Company’s blend was my go to black tea replacement. This is an all purpose, Yorkshire brew replacement with its distinctive and bold rooibos flavour a perfect accompaniment to any activity at any time of day, whether that be psyching oneself up for a soul destroying doctor’s appointment or binge watching Sons of Anarchy. I adore its robust flavour and sweet aftertaste – this bush will certainly remain on my lips well beyond my caffeine ban.
The Christina Hendricks – We are Tea Honeybush
Exotic, syrupy and irresistible, We Are Tea’s Honeybush was the pièce de résistance of my caffeine vacation. Exactly like Christina Hendricks at the top of my fantasy shag list. Made from South African honeybush leaves – rooibos’ better looking, sweeter smelling and cheerleading younger sister – this loose leaf had all the body of a redbush with the aromatic sugar-marzipan after taste of a good flavoured black tea. I’ve had this leaf every which way (again, like CH in my wildest dreams); with milk, without milk, with sugar, without sugar, clothed and naked. And it it just tastes so damn good whatever you throw at it. My only complaint is that I have run out of it and We Are Tea no longer sell it online (pricks!). I will have to add it to my bush wishlist…right after Ms Hendricks.
So, the moral of this story? Going caffeine free isn’t as bad as having your nipples sanded off with a Brillo pad. And my obsession with redbush is reaching critical, arrest-worthy levels.
Great to be back, brew bandits!