Bugger me! 2016 was crapper than a pissed on tea bag wasn’t it? Thousands of celebri-teas died. Boneheads became world leaders. And more importantly, Witchy got ill. Mega poorly sick. Had-to-give-up-job poorly. 2016 was a cruel mistress!
Sorry for the hiatus folks; I wish I could say I was sunning myself in the Bahamas with a buxom babe. In reality, I was crying my eyes out in bed most of the time – SEXY! Anyway, I’m not going to dwell on it as three important facts remain:
- I’m not dead! And slowly on the mend thanks to my very own PG Tits herself 🙂
- You’re not dead either! And are gagging to read smutty, ‘not safe for work’ nonsense on the internet (I’m guessing?).
- It’s 2017! 365 more days to bother y’all with brew banter. I’m ecstatic to be back…and I hope at least one of you are too!
Let’s get to it then, with four brews to chase away New Year blues…
We’ve all been there.
You’ve eaten your body weight in mince pies; instilled deep rooted family hatred by dominating the Christmas Scrabble tournament; and have no memory whatsoever of 2pm December 31st to 9am January 2nd, but somehow acquired a traffic cone and a Donald Trump tattoo. You feel fat, fatigued and fed up.
WHAT DO YOU NEED?
No, not a gastric band, new family or laser tattoo removal. You need A TEA-TOX so cleansing, it’s worthy of an Instagram #fitfam tag. Here are four cuppas that might not take you from ‘f**ked to fit’, but will stop you from feeling quite so shit about yourself.
1. For the Tight Arse – Lemon Water
So, you’ve blown all your money on a mankini for Dad and a gimp mask for your Mom, and only have a tenner to your name. How the bloody hell can you go on a Gwyneth Paltrow-esque liquid torture diet without any dollar?!
I have the answer: lemon tea. Yes my friends, a few squeezes of these golden balls in hot water will boost your immune system for only 17.5p per cup (if you shop at Tesco, that is). Half a lemon squeezed into your brew will reduce inflammation, clean out your battered system with vitamins B, C and magnesium, and keep pizza face acne at bay. It doesn’t taste half bad too!
Almost worth being penniless through indulging your parents’ sex fantasies.
2. For the Lard Arse – Hotel Chocolat Teaolat
No amount of #bodypositive posts on social media can legitimise the tonne of selection boxes you scoffed at Christmas. You can’t go cold turkey – you would be a danger to humankind – and you can’t continue to eat like a morbidly obese whale either. Life is about compromise, so why not try a Hotel Chocolat Teaolat instead? A cacao infusion with all the naughtiness of smashing Miniature Heroes in your gob, with none of calories AKA crippling guilt.
I enjoyed the ‘Unwind’ Teaolat in particular, combining cacao shells, camomile and lemon balm to soothe the deafening voices of self hatred screaming, ‘YOU HAVE EATEN TOO MUCH, FLUBBER!’ The camomile and lemon are gentle and sweet on the initial sip, and followed up by a chocolate punch in the gonads as you swallow. Think lemon meringue. Only liquid and covered in chocolate. It’s heavenly and a great diversion from the Malteasers in the cupboard calling your name.
3. For the Smug Gym Arse – T2 Caramel Pop
We all know one. Those bitches that are gutted the gym is shut over the holidays; that gloat their festive food indulgence is ‘good for them gainz’; and are chomping at the bit to get back to spin class (read ‘bicycle based torture’) in the New Year.
But hey, even these gods and goddesses of the squat rack are mere mortals. They have gorged at Christmas too. Albeit sneakily…behind the shed…ramming multiple pigs in blankets in their cake holes. T2’s Caramel Pop* is the perfect solution – it has all of the New Year essential health benefits of genmaicha green tea antioxidants, coupled with the taste of festive goodies and popcorn with blackberry leaves, caramel pieces and roasted rice. This makes for a delicate, light and subtly sweet brew, perfect for hiding in a gym bottle as a ‘MEGA INTIMIDATING PROTEIN SHAKE’.
*I’m being a slight bitch here. This tea was limited edition and is only left in a few stores, I think. Any flavoured green tea’ll do though. Soz *cackles behind her cauldron*.
4. For the Poor ‘Been Ill the Whole of Christmas’ Arse – Kent & Sussex Tea Company Ginger Honey Milk
Cold weather, alcohol fuelled office parties and ‘I cannot find the perfect present for my second cousin, twice removed’ stress, means only one thing: VIRUSES. Spare a thought for the poor souls who have dragged themselves back to work this week despite still getting over a hideous flu. (Also, be jealous; they are the only sods who have lost weight over Christmas).
For you unfortunate few, you need all of the above cuppas AND something with serious immune boosting clout. I recommend Kent & Sussex Tea Company’s Ginger Honey Milk Herbal Tea. It has the perfect combination of ingredients to soothe tickly throats, blocked noses and raised lymph nodes. The ginger gives it a spicy kick to add ‘WAHHHAAAAYYY!’ to your morning cuppa, whilst the milk element provides a motherly hug for the throat that coaxes you through the 9-5. Ideal for preventing your coughing from narking off the whole office.
There we have it Twitchers – four brews to kick you up the arse as you face 2017. Don’t spill any of them on the office computer servers though now; we wouldn’t want ANOTHER week off for maintenance, would we ;)?