A simple equation sums up January:
New Year Depression x No Money = Panic Holiday Booking
Who has succumbed to this law of maths? For those of you who have, you are lucky bas-tea-rds. For the poor majori-tea; don’t panic, and DO NOT rush to your nearest travel agents to be cajoled by Chantelle into a Benidorm getaway. For the safety of your wallet (and health), read my review of Teatourist’s subscription box instead. I promise to take you on an adven-tea-ure from the comfort of your armchair, bath or loo…wherever you read this.
I also promise a DISCOUNT CODE at the end to make your pay packet go even further.
And don’t be a prat and just scroll down. I will find out. I will track you down. I will batter you with my mugs. You have been warned (unless you like that sort of thing).
So sit back, relax and prepare to be whisked away (and the plop if you are on the bog).
1. The Travel Agent – Teatourist
Joss at Teatourist kindly winged me a box of holiday dreams – or tea – earlier this month to chase away the January blues. He set up the company in March 2016 by melding together his fana-tea-cism for a good brew with his mad digital skillz (just look at his website, dis boi is DANK!). Teatourist’s mission is twofold:
- Source banging tea from people passionate about making it;
- Deliver said tea to men-tea-lists passionate about drinking it.
2. The Package Holiday – What’s in the box
For £14.95 a month you get:
- Six samples of tea from awesome tea specialists around the world, including some of my faves Tea Leaf London and Shibui Tea
- Samples with four brews worth of leaves – I’ve tested it, it’s true!
- Tea cards for each sample with brewing instructions, the company history and speed dating style score board
- Letter box sized package (cheeky!) so you don’t have to chase the postman, whilst you are wearing last night’s knickers
Best of all, the contract is rolling so you can cancel it if you need to buy a V-day present or summat.
Sounds pretty smart, dunnit?
3. The Plane Ride – First Impressions
I was dubious about a tea subscription box; I’d tried one before that I refused to review as it had poor packaging, a limited selection and slow delivery. My labrador puppy could do a better job, and she licks her own genitals for goodness sake. I was also concerned that £15 is expensive, but I spend this each month on tea I don’t like anyway. Why not try six for the same money and find ones I actually do like?
Thankfully, Teatourist smashed these concerns out the water. The packaging is sleek and sturdy (if a little EE-esque!), the branding is on point and the tea expertly packaged. I also enjoyed giggling for five minutes when I realised the hot air ballon logo has a tea cup for the basket. BLOODY GENIUS!
I was ready for my first des-tea-nation.
DES-TEA-NATION 1: Jamaican Slumber Par-tea – Born Wild Tea Reggae Refresh
First stop on our adven-tea-ure is Born Wild Tea’s Reggae Refresh, or a Rastafarian sleepover with bongos, bongs and boobies. The combination of papaya, mango, banana and goji berries, plus lemongrass and ginger, was a disco in my mouth. It was fresh, wild and fruity; tasted distinctly like Drumstick lollipops (YUM!); and was a great afternoon refresher. It also looked as pretty as Rihanna (who is Barbadian, rather than Jamaican apparently).
LOVED IT: 4 pineapples out of 5
DES-TEA-NATION 2: Swedish Hygge Retreat – Blendology Recover Tea
Embracing our inner sanctuary, we move on to the calming and cosy Recover Tea by Blendology. This nettle, peppermint, burdock and dandelion infusion is the ‘perfect hangover cure’ after a Rasta sleepover. I liked its delicate, soothing properties, but thought it tasted like a sod of grass that has choked on polos in a coke bottle: minty and grassy.
NOT BAD, BUT NOT MY CUP OF TEA: 2.5 cosy blankets out of 5
DES-TEA-NATION 3: Caffeine Free Afternoon Tea – Tea Leaf London Rooibos Earl Grey
Back to Blighty, cucumber sandwiches and sexual repression for afternoon tea with Tea Leaf London’s Rooibos Earl Grey. It’s no secret that I love TLL’s offerings, but I had never tried this delight before. Blending together rooibos, bergamot and cornflower petals, this brew tasted just like the real thing. Bold yet sweet and golden red in colour, I felt like I was wearing a bonnette and bitching about Mr Darcy’s bedroom moves. I was bowled over by the more-ishness of this cuppa and eeked it out to five cups!
ADORED IT: 5 stiff upper lips out of 5
I also received samples of Ceylon, Gunpowder Tea and Matcha, but I’m still on caffeine quarantine as I recover so I’m avoiding them at the moment (it’s hell). Michael of #TeaClub has lovingly agreed to do a guest post on them soon on my behalf; they are with the Royal Mail as we speak, so look out for that!
4. Homecoming Trip Advisor Review – T’verdict
Phew. Dunno about you, but I’m exhausted after our trip around the world.
Teatourist have impressed me. They know how to source, ‘sex-up’ and package fantastic teas so that we don’t have to. I love the loose leaf selection. I love the branding. Most of all, I love the convenience of bostin’ brews delivered to my door.*
Don’t just take my word for it: use the discount code THETEAWITCH30 for 30% off your first Teatourist box!
*I don’t love the S-Tea-D I got at the Jamaican slumber par-tea. Joss, I’m sending you the medical bills.
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